


Merchandising Nightmares

by cupofstars



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Crack, Fluff and Crack, I Don't Even Know, Lisa Frank Inspired Were-Creatures, M/M, Magical Accidents, Were-Creatures, Why Did I Write This?, this is a goddamn nightmare of my own creation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-08
Updated: 2016-09-08
Packaged: 2018-08-13 21:12:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,595
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7986364
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cupofstars/pseuds/cupofstars
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The boys finally get a day off, and discover that something is afoot.  A-furry-fucking-foot.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Merchandising Nightmares

**Author's Note:**

> If fic is to your soul like food is to your stomach, this is the literary equivalent of Pop Rocks. (It's utterly garbage for you, but hopefully fun.)

Days where they’re all together, unless it’s for promotions or practice, have become increasingly rare. Acting gigs keep them busy, someone is always hosting something, and Yixing is always in China doing a combination of everything.  Even when they aren't working, they tend to break up into couples and pass the time that way.  Sehun and Joonmyun bicker in the living room over what movie to watch and whose turn it is for chores.  Jongin and Kyungsoo lurk in corners, quiet until the moment that they  _aren't_ ; when Jongin's laughter explodes out of nowhere, followed by a punch to his shoulder from Kyungsoo.  Jongdae and Minseok complain to nobody in particular that the house is too full, and that they feel like a drive.  They leave for hours, only to come home with tousled hair and lips too red and swollen from kissing, but everyone asks them where they'd gone.  Baekhyun and Chanyeol are the most shameless, slipping off to their bedroom for hours on end.  When they're gone, Jongin jokes that it sounds like they're murdering each other, killing a cat, or both.  It usually prompts silly texts from Kyungsoo's Kakao to Baekhyun's -  _Hyung, are you okay?  Did you see a spider?_ \- that result in them squabbling for hours.  No, the days where they're all allowed to rest and be alone they seldom spend together as one, not anymore.  Except for breakfast, they're usually rushing and speeding around the dorm, or staying at their parents'.

It's at 8AM on one of those rare mornings when they're all together, and Joonmyun stretches in his bed.  It's his turn to make breakfast, which always baffles him anyway since the best he can manage before coffee is hot cereal.  But he does his best to shake off sleep, stretching his arms above his head and accidentally hitting one of his ears.  Grunting, he swings his legs out from under the covers, attempting to wiggle them into his slippers.  But the slippers feel like they're about three sizes too small.  Waking up faster than his usual cup of cafe au lait affords, his brown eyes widen.  Fur.  Yellow fur, lining his longer than usual feet.  Well, paws, technically.

"No, no, no," he mutters, looking up for his phone.  Snatching it, he deftly unlocks it and moves to his calendar app.  Shit.   _Shit._  The lunar cycle - the full moon peeking into the sky - happened during the day sometimes.  And there it was on his phone:  _moonrise, 6:48AM_.  

"Son of a fucking  _bitch_ ," he yells, nearly throwing his phone at the wall.  Thinking better of it at the last second, he sighs and sets his phone on the nightstand.  If he's too loud, he'll wake Sehunnie up.  As much as he loves the younger man, he's always a brat for about twenty minutes after he wakes up.  When he turns to check and see if he's roused his boyfriend, he gets his second heart attack of the morning.  Sehun's lean form isn't under the covers, isn't anywhere to be seen.

"Sehunnie?  Sehunnie, uh, don't come in here, if you can hear me."  Joonmyun's louder than usual, on the off chance that Sehun's gone to take a leak.

"What the actual hell are you talking about, hyung?"  Sehun's sleepy voice comes from the direction of his bed, and Joonmyun wonders how he's going to explain the whole yellow fur and long ears situation that's sprouted up overnight.

"Uh, nothing.  Go back to sleep."  But it's too late, and Joonmyun sees Sehun's red fur and black-tipped ears before he has time to process anything.  "Wait.  Wait, why are you - "

Sehun cuts him off.  "Holy shit, hyung!  What  _are_ you?"  His whiskers twitch as he sniffs the air, and he moves to sit closer to Joonmyun.  Sehun's long tail loops around the small of Joonmyun's back, covering the elder man's own powder puff.

"Rabbit," Joonmyun mutters, ears drooping.

"Well, yeah, I know you're a rabb-"

"No, I  _am_ Rabbit.  From Winnie-the-Pooh."  Joonmyun doesn't need a mirror to know that his nose is the same bubblegum pink as the Disney character's, that his fur the same lemon cream color.

"Ohhhh.  That makes sense.  I'm Robin Hood.  Uh, from the Disney movie.  Remember?  We saw it last week."  Sehun looks absurdly proud for a moment, his back straightening and red fur puffing out self-importantly.

"Yeah.  I remember.  But ... how?"  Joonmyun worries at the tip of one ear, idly grooming it with his unrealistically deft fingers for a moment.

Sehun chuffs a laugh.  "How the hell are you Rabbit?  We forgot about the moon phases, right?"

"Well, yes.  But I thought I was the only goddamn Were-Thing in this goddamn house!"  Joonmyun's swearing must have been audible from the hall, because he hears a stifled grunt prefacing a knock.  "THIS IS NOT THE TIME, KYUNGSOO."

The doorknob clicks, and for a second the room goes silent except for the soft slapping sound of flippers on hardwood.  Then it's a chorus of laughter from Joonmyun and Sehun before Kyungsoo jumps up and tries to pull Sehun off of the bed.  

"Goddamnit, Kyungsoo, not you too - " Joonmyun can't help but wheeze as he watches what looks like for all of the world like Pororo and Robin Hood the Fox having a wrestling match in his bedroom.  "Ugh, I should make breakfast, it's still my turn.  Are we all gonna end up cartoon characters?"

"No," Kyungsoo says mid-flipper thwack against Sehun's head.  "Nini's just a golden retriever.  But I can understand him."

"Ew, how do penguins and dogs have sex?"  Sehun's nose twitches as his tail bristles. 

"They don't, idiot."  Kyungsoo stands up and moves to waddle along with Joonmyun to the kitchen.  "I'll get a stool."

"Don't you always?"  Sehun can't help the retort, and soon enough they're a pile again on the floor.  Sehun's teeth dig into one of Kyungsoo's goggle straps, which results in a loud squawk from the older man.

Pancakes.  Pancakes are the clear and obvious solution, and Joonmyun sighs as he hops around the kitchen to gather his ingredients.  Eventually a sheepish Sehun and Kyungsoo settle into the living room, each nursing an appendage that the other had bitten.  As Joonmyun whisks the batter, he hears a tiny scream from the bathroom.  Dear god, is this madness cursing all of them?

A little green dinosaur runs into the living room, and immediately starts to back out when he hears other people talking.  "Shit," he mutters, wishing it weren't a blind corner into the living room.

"Come in, Jongdae!"  Sehun rounds the corner and tackles his friend, giggling when Jongdae's usually loud yelling is a much more adorable, child-like roar.

"Oh my god, Sehun, get the hell off me, you're still too bony," Jongdae grouses.  But he's smiling, and Joonmyun can't help but giggle.  Jongdae's volume is a lot easier to handle when it's in Dooly the Dinosaur's adorable little voice.

"Babe?"  A tiny voice that's readily identifiable as Minseok calls out from the hall.  "Did you have your ... are you -"

"He's a dinosaur, yeah," Kyungsoo shoots back.  "Not you too, this is ridiculous."

Slowly, a white cat with a crescent moon on its forehead rounds the corner.  Minseok laughs nervously, tail twitching.  "Wow, all of us?"

"Baekhyun, Chanyeol, and Yixing haven't shown up yet," Sehun offers helpfully.

Minseok blinks.  "What about Jong - he's a dog and he's right behind me, isn't he?"  Minseok's fur has completely stuck on end, his back arched.

Jongin giggles, rolling over to show Minseok his belly.  "Sorry, I can't help it.  Something about the beginning of the month, I dunno.  It's super weird 'cause it happens to Kyungsoo too, only he's a penguin.  It sucks, though, he won't let me fuck him on days like that, something about it being gross to sexualize a children's character."

Kyungsoo sighs loudly before speaking again.  "Okay, I told them about you earlier.  Maybe we should go check in on Baekhyun and Cha-"  He's interrupted by loud peals of laughter from Chanyeol and Baekhyun's room.  Jongin runs away so quickly he skids, nails clacking loudly.  His laughter soon joins the fray, and eventually he returns to the living room around the blind corner.

"You're never gonna believe what Chanyeol is."  Jongin's voice is a dramatic stage whisper that's not meant to be quiet at all.  Giggling still echoes down the hall as an oddly ... rodent-like face peers around the corner before bursting out in Yeolie's laugh.

"Oh my fucking god, is Kyungsoo ... I can't breathe," he pants.

A purple squirrel with Baekhyun's voice grabs the weird dog sized rodent Chanyeol's ears.  "Quit moving, weirdo, you're gonna buck me off."

Joonmyun motions everyone to take a pancake, which he's set out with some berries and a tiny bit of whipped cream.  He moves to sit on the floor by Sehun, watching everyone around him.  Kyungsoo is feeding Jongin patiently, Chanyeol is explaining loudly that he's a  _capybara,_ damn it, not a giant hamster, and Minseok is resting carefully on Jongdae's huge dinosaur head.  It looks very practiced and calm, and he blinks as he tries to fit the pieces into place.

The clomping of tiny hooves rounds the corner, and everyone turns silently to look at a unicorn wearing sunglasses tiptoeing its way into the kitchen.

"I smelled food," Yixing explains.

"Is your hair fucking rainbow?"  Sehun's jaw drops, and Joonmyun moves it back upward.

"Uh, yeah."  Yixing giggles.  "I can't take these sunglasses off either."  

Kyungsoo fixes the problem by waddling over and plucking the sunglasses off of Yixing's long face.

"How'd you do that?"  Yixing blinks and tosses his head, careful not to gore any furniture.

"I have no fucking idea," Kyungsoo shrugs.  "I don't have thumbs, it shouldn't be scientifically possible."

"NONE OF THIS SHOULD BE FUCKING POSSIBLE."  Joonmyun has no idea how he's held in the scream for this long.  He just wanted a nice day off, but no, he forgot about his stupid were-rabbit curse.  "And how the fuck are  _all of us_ cursed with different were things?  I assume nobody here fucked a cartoon or a dog or a whatever the fuck Yeolie is - "

"I'm a capybara," Chanyeol sighs.  "They're the largest rodent on Earth, and super smart."

"That's true," Kyungsoo nods.

"I DON'T FUCKING CARE," Joonmyun pants angrily.  Sehun snorts a laugh, then immediately shrinks down, hoping his angry rabbit boyfriend won't smack him.

"It's true, though.  How'd we all come to get cursed?  When did everyone start noticing this?"  Jongdae lifts a forkful of whipped cream up to Minseok, who purrs loudly as he licks it off.

"Dunno, it's just been like this for a few years," Chanyeol offers.  Mumbles of agreement sound across the room, everyone looking at each other.

Yixing looks up from the pancake he's just huffed.  "For me, it happened right after I fucked Baekhyun."  Eight heads turn to look at him, then at the squirrel trying to hide in the space behind the coffee table.

"Wait, you fucked Baekhyun?"  Jongdae sounds incredulous.  "That doesn't seem likely."

"I've fucked him," Kyungsoo mutters, prompting a dog smile from Jongin.

"That's true, I watched!"  Jongin sounds so happy to offer help with the mystery that Kyungsoo doesn't have it in him to disapprove of the invasion of privacy.  Might as well be forthcoming; besides, Kyungsoo's never seen a purple squirrel blush before.

"Then he fucked him," Kyungsoo smirks.

Joonmyun sighs, standing up.  "Okay, who here hasn't had some kind of sex with Baekhyun?"

The silence would've been deafening if Chanyeol hadn't broken it with his laughter.  "Oh my god, you fucked all of us?  I'd better have been last, you little shit."

"You were," comes Baekhyun's muffled voice.  

"Well, good," Chanyeol smirks.  "You can come out, I'll keep anyone from eating you.  But you're a cartoon anyway, I don't think you can eat cartoons."

Kyungsoo is being helpful and gathering up everyone's dishes so he can wash them, but Joonmyun shrieks a moment later.

"HOW IS THIS NORMAL.  Wait, you know what?  Also, how the fuck long have YOU had it?  If you're were-animal zero, how'd YOU get it?"  Joonmyun moves to grab Baekhyun from underneath the table.

"Since I - since we debuted - OW DON'T LIFT ME BY THE TAIL!"  Baekhyun cursed, swinging his fists, trying to make contact with Joonmyun's nose.  Eventually, Baekhyun made contact, falling to the ground and scampering back over to rest on the wiry fur of his boyfriend.

"Since he fucked Tao," Chanyeol sighs.  Baekhyun shrieks, ready for Joonmyun to grab him again.  But the reprisal never happens.  The room goes silent except for the sound of the fan thiwpping away in the corner.

"Gross, dude."  Sehun's face shows a remarkable amount of disgust for being a cartoon fox.

"Seriously, Baek.  This could help us figure this out," Joonmyun grouses.  "Take this a little seriously, you two."

Chaneyol raises his voice.  "I am being serious.  He hatefucked him once, and then called me over to look up how to prevent diseases on Wikipedia."

A chorus of soft "oh"s and "ew"s sound through the room, followed by thoughtful chewing from the kitchen.  

"You don't mind if I finish the berries, do you?"  Yixing looks relaxed and content, even as a Lisa Frank fucking unicorn, and Joonmyun simply shoots the younger man a look.  "Right, gonna finish the berries now," Yixing smiles, clopping back into the kitchen.

"How do we break the curse - how did  _he_ get it?"  Kyungsoo blinks.  "Did he fuck a panda or something?"

"No, he got it from his mom," Baekhyun sighs.  

"He fucked his  _mom_?"  Jongin sounds scandalized, and his tail tucks between his legs. 

"... when he was born, she gave it to him," Baekhyun sighs.

"Oh.  So he didn't fuck his mom."

"No."

"But he touched her - "

"Yes.  When he was born."  Baekhyun looks over at Jongin who still clearly doesn't get it, but Kyungsoo leans over and whispers.  Eventually a small wag of his tail indicates understanding, and Baekhyun continues.  "We have to kill him to get it to stop for us, since this strain started with sexual contact with him.  Or something.  I was drunk when he explained it, and he was that annoying panda from Kung-Fu Panda."

Minseok blinks.  "Wait, why are we all different?"

"We are what's in our hearts, or some mystic shit."  Baekhyun shakes his head.  "I know, it's stupid."

"So Artemis from Sailor Moon is in my heart."  Minseok's voice is flat.

"I just said I know it's stupid," Baekhyun growls.  Sehun giggles at the sound, prompting a Look from Joonmyun.

The nine boys all think about it for a moment, about how they could pull off something as splashy as traveling to Beijing en masse and killing someone they used to work with.

"I don't think I wanna go to China today," Jongin offers.

"Yeah, I was just gonna sleep."  Sehun wraps his slim arms around Joonmyun, who's finally started to calm down.

"It's only one day a month," Kyungsoo agrees.

"The moon will eventually set in about four hours," Joonmyun sighs.  "This is the most ridiculous fucking thing I've ever heard of, Baekhyun.  If your dick gets us into any more danger, I'm going to cut it off."

Chanyeol can't help but giggle.  "You wanna see ridiculous, you should try to imagine a capybara having sex with a squirrel."

Joonmyun stares blankly at the two of them before Baekhyun weakly offers an explanation.  

"We're both... rodents?"

"I wish I'd never let you blow me, Baekhyun," Joonmyun retorts.  "I'm going back to bed."

**Author's Note:**

> I'm really, really sorry I wrote this, but also not at all. This is what happens when you night Tumbl(r).
> 
> For those who missed it:
> 
> Joonmyun = Rabbit (Disney's Winnie the Pooh)  
> Sehun = Robin Hood (Disney's Robin Hood)  
> Jongin = Golden Retriever  
> Kyungsoo = Pororo  
> Jongdae = Dooly the Dinosaur  
> Minseok = Artemis (Sailor Moon)  
> Chanyeol = Capybara  
> Baekhyun = Bucky the Squirrel (The Emperor's New Groove)  
> Yixing = Unicorn (Lisa Frank Stationary)  
> Tao = Po (Kung Fu Panda)


End file.
